that poetry bloke

Ten Quid

2012-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

A coupla blogaroos ago i banged on about titles for poems and one was Ten Quid, its a kinda lesson on how not to spend ten quid, but then again, maaybe its what ten quids are really for....you decide......

Ten Quid

I've got a little moneybox
I keep it on the shelf
I think I'm gonna empty it
and go and treat myself

So I counted all the money out
and that is what I did
I went down the cornershop
and spent ten quid

I've always been a spender me
never been a saver
I bought a bag of Monster Munch
Pickled Onion Flavour

Then I bought a Snickers Bar
then I bought another
I will keep one just for me
and the give one to my brother

Then I bought some M and Ms
and some chewing gum
Then I bought a chocolate flake
especially for my mum

I really wanted doughnuts
but the shops had none
so i blew the rest on sweets and stuff
and my ten quid had gone......

Colder Than Ice - cream

2012-01-16T10:07:00.001-08:00

With the winter comes the dark cold frosty mornings. Oh yeah. Because i get up at daft o'clock when i am visiting schools everything in the winter is pitch black. Take this morning. I was in a school in Manchester which is only about 30 odd miles away from my house. Well, this morning, cos it was freezorama it took me two hours to do a one hour trip!!!! It took me about twenty minuto to de-ice the car. I have a little winter kit that i take with me -- woolly hat, gloves and scarf, big ugly leather jacket, fancy cup that keeps a cuppa coffee warm, although this morgan freeman it didnae work cos it was cold. Five degrees below freezing. think about that. This morning it was colder than ice-cream. I got a bit lost cos i always do. Maybe i should invest in a sat nav, but i like maps and the thrill of finding a place!! makes me feel like i have accomplished a great and noble deed. The misery of getting lost is eclipsed by the thrill of the find.

More chilly starts coming up this week!! Keep wrapped up and stay toasty.

The Ten Quid Grown Up Table

2012-01-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

I have had these three titles for poems flying around in my head for ages. The three are one called Ten Quid, another called Wobbly Table and the last one is Groan Ups. I like titles but sometimes three come at once and you don't know which one to start. Lets have a look... The Ten Quid one i like because i haven't seen a poem called that and it just sounds dead normal, like people say it all the time. I think its important for so called normal things to turned into poems, so i'll get to work on that. But hang on a mo, i like the Wobbly Table idea as well, because it sounds like it could be funny. Like you could start this one by saying...These table is really wonky/ like a three legged donkey...and say where you end up. But the Groan Ups title is great cos it has a pun in the title. a PUN is a a play on words and the play on words word in the title is groan, cos you don't say groan ups you say grown ups, so i'll give that a shot as well. I can't wait to get started on these poems but first i have to put a new shelf up in the Imagination Station, which is the room where i work. Hang on..Imagination Station, sounds cool, could easily be a poem, infact come to think of it so could New Shelf......

150 not out.

2012-01-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

This is my 150th blog entry. I feel like i should have a big cake and loads of spam and beetroot butties!! I sometimes wonder who reads this stuff but if anyone does please let me know.
Happy 150th!!!

Evil Archie is watching.....

2012-01-04T05:20:00.000-08:00

I am trying to get better at blogging and i want to get more stuff on here, pictures of daft stuff that i see on my travels, and videos, that kind of thing. My mate Evil Archie has told me to get upto date with all the new gizmos and to improve my techo abilities so i will try my best!!

Books and Stuff

2012-01-04T05:08:00.000-08:00

Got this book from the library. I saw it on the telly and thought it was brilliant but the book is even better. Its called Planet Word and its all about language and words . Its a big 400 page hardback so i better go and get stuck into it!! This year i want to read more , i read a lot anyway but i want to do it more and so i'm going to read all the books that i have got and not buy anymore....

Check it out yourself!!!

My Senses

2011-12-21T09:02:00.000-08:00

My Senses

I have eyes
so i can see
a tiny star, a great big tree

I have ears
so i can hear
a ringing bell, a roaring cheer

I have taste
so when i eat
i can tell the bitter from the sweet

I have touch
so i can feel
hot like fire, cold like steel

So i can smell
i have a nose
baking bread, a summer rose

These are my senses
i need so much,
ears, eyes, nose, taste and touch

Tea with Tom

2011-12-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

Been busy doing nothing recently. Been seeing old mates like Tom Palmer, the football writer and fell runner. Tom drinks a lot of tea and runs about up big hills. It was good to see him. I only get to see other writers at Christmas and holidays cos they are like me and always in schools in term time. Been watching films and going for walks. Getting all ready for the big day now. Its CHRISTMAS this Sunday!!! This year as gone really fast, i mean last Christmas seems like it was only 12 months ago!!

Er, hang on.....

Pants On Tour!!!

2011-12-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

I have been driving all over the place recently, reading poems from my new book POETRY IS NOT PANTS and i have had some fantastic days in schools. Off the top of my head there was Ennedale Bridge school up in the lake district, Netheredge Primary in Sheffield, i have been in that school about 6 times and have a really grtea time everytime i go back. Then there is St John VIanney in Blackpool and Thames in Blackpool then what about Carnagill Primary up in Catterick, that one is always great and last but not least there is Whitkirk in Leeeds which was a great day. Thanks to all the schools and thanks to everyone who has bought my new book. If you keep reading 'em, i'll keep writing 'em!!!!

The Sat Nav Has Landed

2011-12-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

What, with all the driving i am doing at the moment, 1000 miles a week, all in the dark on busy motorways and little country lanes i kept getting lost so i have borrowed a sat nav. I love maps, always have, love the fact that all those little squiggley lines on the paper are real rivers and roads but when you are on your own in a car and you are driving you can't keep looking at th map or you will drive into a tree!! So i have this magic box now and it speaks to me and says Turn Left, turn right and all that. So far it has worked. It got me to a library across Leeds at rush hour and it got me to a school in Rochdale so i'll keep trying it. Its good, 21st century techno stuff but, its not as good as a crinkly, coffee stained map you can pour over at midnight. All old explorers used maps. I mean how many pirates do you know who used sat navs???

Is Anybody There????

2011-11-30T11:35:00.001-08:00

This blog thing ......i have kept doing it cos i never knew who reads it, if anyone. I ask people in school but nobody says they read it, or at least admit to it. So, just for the sake of doing it i will keep doing it. In fact over December i reckon that i will try and blog everyday if i can. I read other writers blog and you can get an idea about what the writer is thinking about and where they are coming from. So i'll blog on, if just for the typing practise. if you are out there, let me know.....

The Pants On Tour

2011-11-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

I have been going into loads of schools recently, its what i do!! I have been up the Lake district a lot , driving down windy little roads in the pitch black ( its dark at 4pm now) trying to find the schools or the hotel where i am staying. I haven't got a sat nav but i can feel one coming on!! I have been selling my new book POETRY IS NOT PANTS and we have sold about 200 copies so far, which in ten days for a poetry book, isn't bad going!!! I have ten more schools to visit and some radio to do before i finish for tthe holidays but its the 1ts of December tomorrow and its all getting a bit like Chrimbo. We will put the tree up this weekend and they will be tinsel everywhere.

POETRY BURP

2011-11-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

Just finishing another new book -POETRY BURP - which should be out soon. I'll let you know.

Up In Newcastle.....again!!!!!!!!!!

2011-11-21T12:20:00.000-08:00

I have spent the weekend up in the North east of the country at Newcastle. I was launching my new book at the Northern Children's Book Fair which is the biggest children's book fair in Europe. It was a good day with loads of other writers there including Jeremy Strong who has written 90 books!! After i had done my bit- and ta for everyone who came, i did two shows and they were book sold out!!! blimey, well..after i went to South Shields cos it was lovely sunny day and i wanted to walk on the beach.

Today i was in York working with looked after children and had a hoot!!! We were doing the session in the University and its been a while since i was in one of those!!!

POETRY IS NOT PANTS

2011-11-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i saw my brand new book - POETRY IS NOT PANTS - for the first time. I held it and sniffed it and looked at it. Its always a real buzz to see a book, a real book with my name on it. Bit exciting and a bit weird. It always gets me thinking about books and stuff. I never planned to be a children's poet, i didn't even know there was such a job really!! Lots of people write books that get get read by anyone else. Lots of people call me a writer and i am (poems don't write themselves!! ) but i always feel that i am a performer first. I have been performing in some way since 1981, first as a drummer, then as a stand up comedian and now as a poet. I spend a lot more hours a year reading my poems out that writing them. If i didn't read my poems out in schools and get paid for doing it then i would have to drive a van or something. To be a poet, a full time professional poet, then you HAVE to read your poems out, you HAVE to perform then to anyone who will listen, sometimes you perform them to people who don't listen!!! Though not too much of that these days!!! And i think that is only right. I always say that poems are not finished until they have been read out and heard by somebody else. Its only then that your poems come alive and takes off and surprises you. I love surprising myself. I keep on being amazed that i perform and write poems for a job, even now after nearly 10 years of doing it. In fact its my tenth year next year, 10 whole years of getting away with it!!!!! bring on the next ten, thats what i say!!!! Lets keep on being amazed!!!

Bonfires, Books and er... Beetroot

2011-11-08T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have just eaten loads of beetroot but that's another story....its all getting exciting now..my new brand new book POETRY IS NOT PANTS should be in my hands in the next 10 days and POETRY BURP should be arriving soon after that!!! I have got loads of schools lined up to go into so its going to get a bit mad but in a good way. I have already started writing more poems for another book that will be out next year. Its called Rhyme O Rama - well it is at the moment, that might all change though. Just had bonfire night, new books and Chrimbo around the corner, blimey, i can't keep up.

Might as well go and finish the beetroot jar....

How To Be A Rainbow

2011-10-31T04:31:00.001-07:00

How To Be A Rainbow

Wait for a day thats not quite sure
what it wants to do
and when that bluegrey day arrives
then its upto you...

Paint yourself across the sky
in a big upside down smile
curl yourself from cloud to cloud
for mile after mile

Dance between the rain and sun
in colours bright and bold
then at the very end of you
place a pot of gold

NEW BOOKS OUT DEAD SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-10-31T04:24:00.000-07:00

POETRY IS NOT PANTS and POETRY BURP are my new books that will be out soon. i am just finishing off Burp and then it will be ready to go to the typesetter, to make sure its all ok and the words look cool on the page and then it will go to the printers. I am looking forward to seeing the books in the flesh. i have gone though them loads of times and i am dead chuffed with them. Just hope people like them when they come out. Its still all amazing seeing a book, a real book with your name on it, still all a bit odd.

Next year will be my 10th year as a professional poet and performer. TEN YEARS!! I have never had a job that long before!! I am planning to do 10 daft things and i'll let you know what i decide.

Chickenfoot and the Magic Door

2011-10-31T04:13:00.000-07:00

There is this bloke i know. He's called Tom Palmer. Tom, well, he's all sorts of things - a runner, a Leeds fan but mostly he writes these good books about football. You might know 'em. Well i read his blog and he has been talking about magic doorways. Tom goes running up big hills, lots of writers i know run or walk, ( why is that?) and he has to go through a gate on the tops and when he does he feels like he is entering a magical place. I got thinking about that. Where is my magic gate? Well i reckon its all to do with writing, thinking, walking and music. When i write poems i kinda go into a magic place, ( cafes and pubs mainly!!) when i think it happens as well and it happens when i walk - time dissolves and melts like butter in a pan - - and it most definitely happens when i listen to good music. Good loud music. At the mo i am listening to Chickenfoot, a loud rock band from America. Check em out, you might find your magic gate!!!! Rock n'roll doggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Archie Andrews And His Amazing Robot Show

2011-10-29T04:20:00.000-07:00

I am sat here with me old mate and mucka Archie Andrews. His real name is Andy but Archie suits him. He lives in Thailand but is working over here in England for a bit. He is a engineer type of bloke who has a job that i don't really understand. His favourite colour is green and his fave pie is Steak, he used to like meat and potato but he has changed. He likes robots and computers and soon wants to take over the world with his robot workshops. So if you know a teacher who wants a robot in school let me know. Here are 3 famous robots....R2D2, K9 and bender out of Futurama. Maybe I should write some robopoems!!

The Haunted Hotel

2011-10-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

I was in Jessons Primary school on Friday, the day before half term and had a great time. All the pupils were drssed up to celebrate Book Week and i saw loads of Batman types and princesses and Spidermen and i even saw the Incredible Hulk!! The night before i stayed in a hotel in Dudley called The Station and its haunted!! I was told that by everyone!! There have special ghost nights there and see strange, spooky stuff!!Doors slam and taps get turned on for no reason, y'know all the usualt ghostly goings on!! I slept all on my own in room 104 and didn't hear anything. Some great old comedians have stayed at the Station - there is a an old boarded up theatre called the Hippodrome across the road - and i was hoping i might get haunted by one of them!! I don't really believe in ghosts but it still gave the night a bit of a zing!!! Whoooooaaaarrrgggghhh!!!!!!!!!

LIVE AT THE BRIDGEWATER HALL!!!!!!!!

2011-10-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

My mate Terry Caffrey is the writer in res at the fantastic Bridgewater Hall in Manchester and he is away and asked me to fill in for him this week. The Bridgewater Hall is an amazing building so its a real delight to read my poems out in there. I did my first sesh with Audenshaw Primary and had a real beano!!! I am doing two more sessions and really looking forward to them. I havebeen lucky enough to have performed in some beautiful old theatres -the Buxton Opea House, The Grand in Blackpool, the Ritz in Salford and Leeds Town Hall - but the Bridgewater Hall is new ultra modern theatre and just a great place for poetry!! Mind you, anywhere is a good place for poetry to me!!!

Muddy On The Moors

2011-10-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk today on a very famous moor. It was in a place called Haworth, which isn't very far from me and is famous for the Bronte sisters who wrote books years and years ago. It was really windy on the moor and kept blowing my hat off!! There were puddles and mud everywhere and i kept sinking my boots in the stuff. My boots were caked in mud and looked like they were made of chocolate that was melting in front of the fire. But it was great walk. I saw this place called the Top Withins, which is an old ruined farmhouse. I met another walker who was sheltering out of the wind. He told me that he used to be a mechanic but doesn't want to do it anymore. I asked him what he was going to do and he looked at me and told me that he was going to make a scary vampire movie!!!! Blimey!! Its amazing who you meet up on the Moors!!!

Thanks to Megan

2011-10-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

There was this girl in Norton College who said that she laughed so much that here braces fell oyut...best thing i've ever heard about me!!!

A Life Size Model Of The World

2011-10-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

Recently i have been all over the universe - Salford, Gateshead, Rainhill, Norton, Leeds, Bury, York, Catterick - you name it, I've been there. As well as performing my poems in all these schools i have been busy sorting out the final details of my two new books that are coming out - hopefully in November, but you can't really rush 'em, they will be ready when they are ready!!! POETRY IS NOT PANTS and POETRY BURP. As well as all the worky wordy writey type stuff i have been walking, playing the guitar a lot and singing in the bathroom. I have been watching football on the telly ( England in the Euros) and been on the radio a coupla times talking about this and that. I have been speaking to my old mate and world champion pig wrestlerAndy Amos aka Archie Andrews who told me that he wants to build a life size model of the world!!!!!! Think about that a minute...a life size model of the world.....but...hang on a mo... if it was life size....then it would be as big as the real world ...and if a model of the world was as big as the real world...where would you put it??????

Busybustbusy

2011-10-02T05:20:00.000-07:00

This week has been a busy one. One Monday i drove to Sudbury in Suffolk which took me 5 hours from my house. Hello to Helen, Neil and Josh who made me very welcome. I went into Helen's school, Woodhall Primary and read some poems out and had a hoot. Then i drove all the way back. The day after i was up in a place called Ampleforth, in St Benedicts Primary in North Yorks. Its a beautiful place and it was glorious day , it felt like i was on holiday. I got asked some great questions there by the pupils. I got asked 'How do you make a poem funny?' and 'What makes a good poem?'. I normally get asked things like, 'Do you like fish fingers?', so these questions were brill!!!! Then on Friday i was in Huyton, near Liverpool, the place where Steven Gerrard was born. I was in Kirkby library and then in Huyton giving some Summer Reading Challenege certificates out. Then i went to Manchester and met my mate the poet Terry Caffrey for a laugh!! So a full week of driving, poetry and fun fun fun!!!!

Keys, Beds and Kippers

2011-09-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Today i was on the radio again. I was on BBC Radio York, going through the papers and talking about any stories that catch my eye. The bloke doing the show was Jezza Buxton who is a good bloke!! We talked about anything for example...why has Jezza got a massive bunch of keys, why does he sleep with his feet sticking out of the end of his bed, why has he got a mailbox, the day he met a cod, kippers and how he got to go up Emley TV mast which is twice as high as Blackpool tower. I don't think we actually spoke about anything we were supposed to!! but that's the fun of live radio innit!!!

Hello Norm

2011-09-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Did a writing workshop in Heywood, near Rochdale today. met a great bloke called Norman, who is a poet i have met before, always great to work with great people. Spoke to people about writing and making things up and tried to give people a few tips and ideas. I was never any good in writing workshops when i went to University. When somebody told me to write something i couldn't do it. I was too busy trying to make it the best thing ever where its really its more about opening up and trying stuff out. That's why its called a workshop!! I really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it myself so ta for that!!

Golden Hill and Nether Edge

2011-09-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Been back in schools again. did 2 days in a crazy - in a good way - school in Sheffield. It used to be called Abbeydale but now its called Nether Edge. Its the 5th time i have been back here and i really enjoyed it. Everyone seems to know me and they all know my poems. its like being famous!! One class even had this whole little routine planned out and danced to one of my poems!! It was brilliant!! Then i was in a school called Golden Hill which isn't on a hill and it isn't gold!! That was great, i have been in there before as well!! Its always good getting to go back into schools, good to see what thing everyone remembers.

Radio 4 - Pick Of The Week

2011-09-12T03:28:00.000-07:00

i have just heard that a documentary that i wrote and presented for BBC Radio Leeds was put out on Radio 4s programme Pick Of The Week!! I have been on local BBC Radio stations doing bits and bobs here and there for years now but never on national radio before. It was the first full length doc that i have done and me and the producer and co writer Nick have done and we are both dead chuffed with it. Its strange and exciting to think that while i am up here in Huddersfield that somewhere in Britain, Cardiff, Glasgow or Southampton, a bloke could be listening to me waffling on the radio. Just a bloke, making a cup of tea. He might even had talked to the radio and in a way kind of talked to me. Strange, exciting and a bit magic!!

Can Bald People Get Dandruff?

2011-09-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

The two new books are called Poetry Is Not Pants and Poetry Burp!! It will be great to get them out. I wrote the poems for them a while ago now and i have already been reading some out in schools. They seem to go well. When these book are all done and out there in the real world then i will have a cuppa tea, and start writing some more poems and stuff innit!!

I have always got a million ideas like a book called Rumblebelly all about a town called Rumblebelly and you could have a poem called Rumblebelly Road and one about the footy team called Rumblebelly Rovers, then you could write about the school, Rumblebelly Primary and all that. What do you reckon??? OR.. a poetry book full of funny questions that you answer in the form of a poem like it could be called Do Bald People Get Dandruff? and that poem could go.....

Do bald people get dandruff
cos i don't think its fair
if you can get dandruff
if you ain't got no hair

or sommat like that!!!!!!!

other Qs could be..If a fly is called a fly cos it flies then why isn't a fish called a swim?
Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is it called washing up and not washing down? Why does fat chance mean the same as slim chance???? questions questions questions....

2011-09-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Been sitting and reading loads of poems now for ages. I have two new books coming out and you have to do this thing called editing and proofing. Editing is where you make any changes to your poems like take a bit out and put a new bit in and try to make it as peotic as poss. Thats the thing with poems they have to have some poetry in 'em!! check and double ccheck for any speeling missaches ( like them) and proofing is ,er..more of the same really

Walking The Wall

2011-08-31T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have just walked Hadrians Wall!! Hadrian was a roman emperor who built this massive wall that is 84 miles long across the country. It was to keep people out of England. It is about 2000 years old. Most of the wall has gone now but you can still see bits of it, it used to be 15 feet high and 10 feet thick!! It was great to walk it. It took me and my old mate Andy, 6 days to walk the full length of it. It only rained on one day so that was OK!! Here are some of the stuff we saw on the way... a tank driving on the road, loads of ruins, a lost man from Poland, Carlisle, millions of angry looking cows and one bull!! Now it is the last day of August which means that the summer jollys are about done and dusted so its time to put my walking boots away and get back into schools. Today and tomorrow i am in Rotherham libraries doing some writing workshops with teenagers. Its all walking and walls and writing and workshops innit!!!!

Sitting in the sun

2011-08-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have just finished a book about the old blokes who put together the first proper English Dictionary. it was all a bit mind boggling. It was a book about murder, madness and the English language!!! Blimey O Riley what a story!! This bloke who used to be a Doctor in the USA went a bit doolally and shot a bloke cos he thought he was going to attack him - he wasn't - and he got sent to a hospital for poorly people. Then this other bloke, this really clever bloke had the job of putting together teh dictionary and asked for people to help him...well.. this mad bloke wrote to him and helped him loads. In fact he went on to be one of the most important people behind the dictionary. He was called Dr W. C Minor and the other brainy bloke was called DR James Murray. It was a brilliant book. You wouldn't think that a book about another book could be so interesting but it was. It made me think about books and the people who write them and about all the work that goes into it!! You gotta treat books with respect people!!!

Carig Bradely and Greg Smelly

2011-07-31T03:52:00.000-07:00

I am not a brilliant typist. I have learnt to be better because i am a writer and i have to do a lot of it. I always write poems with a pen in my hand because i am a better writer than i am a typer and besides if you write a poem on the computer it looks finished when it isn't.....but when i write emails and blogs and all that stuff i have to type. But here's the thing, i type my name like this Carig Bradely. I don't know why its just where my fingers want to go and who am i to argue. Another thing about my name is when i sign autographs somethings in schools it looks like i have written Greg Smelly. Imagine that, being called Mr Smelly!!!

Jimmys

2011-07-31T03:46:00.000-07:00

I was doing two cool things today. I was on BBC Radio Leeds. I went through the papers and tried to find sommat interesting to speak about something funny and a bit weird then after that i went to a hospital called St James or Jimmy's as everyone calls it, and read some poems out to the young people in there. It was mad and loud and frantic but all in a good way. It was red hot today and it looks like the summer has come at last!!! I plan to spend all weekend in the back garden doing nothing except cutting the grass, having a BBQ, playing football, teaching Jack to ride his bike, reading, packing for the holidays, sunbathing, more reading, maybe do some writing, stare at clouds, daydream, go for a zebra ride, fight a bear and drink cold drinks.

PS i made that bit about the zebra up but I'm dead serious about the bear!!!

The Man From The BBC

2011-07-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today i had a bit of a different day. I am making a documentary about a man called Joshua Tetley. Joshua had a brewary in Leeds, years and years ago now, and BBC Radio Leeds asked to talk about him on the radio. Tetleys brewary is leaving Leeds after 189 years. I have done lots of radio stuff before but never a proper 1 hour show about anyone. I had to research Joshua's life and find out lots about him. I had to sound like i knew what i was talking about!!!! I did it with my mate Nick, who is a producer at BBC Radio Leeds. A producer is someone who tells me what we are going to do and to say my bit again if it was rubbish!!! And i was rubbish quite a bit!!!! We went into Leeds market to talk to people about Tetelys brewary. Its called vox popping. That was good fun. I am doing a lot more work on the show and it will be on the radio this August bank holiday. Doing this kind of thing is completely different to reading my poems out in primary schools but i think doing different stuff now and again is a good way to learn new stuff!!!

Raw seagull anyone?

2011-07-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

One of the best things for me about summer is that i have more time to read. I spend a lot of time thinking about which book to read next and take ages picking books up then putting them back down and picking up another. I have just read a book about Captain Bligh who was a real sea captain back in the late 1700s. His crew stole his ship of him (its called a mutiny) and left him in a little boat. Amazingly he sailed over 4162 miles across the pacific ocean and made it back in one piece, just about!! He survived drinking a spoonful of water everyday!!!!!!! He even caught seagulls with his bare hands and ate them raw!! What a trip, what a story, the next time your train is late or you are stuck in a traffic jam just think about poor old Captain Bligh!!!

Done but not dusted

2011-07-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have pretty much done for the summer now and its been a bit busy but in a good way. First i did the Coast To Coast walk, more about that to come on the website, then i got back and went straight into school visits, 2 days in Stockport school which was ace and then 2 days up in Gateshead at the Jospeh Swan school where i did 8 performances to over 400 pupils in 2 days. Then i had another week in Blackpool. I have been Blackpool Schools Poet In Residence this summer term and i have had a blast. I was in St Johns, Boundary, Thames and Devonshire and i enjoyed myself in every one of them. Doing this Blackpool residency has been great so ta for everyone at the school, especially to Mr Kirkpatrick who took me out for a curry, even if some one said that i look like James May!!!
Now i have to get my old mate Sprocket to tart me old website up, loads of stuff about the walk and Blackpool to put on and then that's me done for a bit.

Slippers out, feet up, well till the next time.....

C2C

2011-07-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hi every1 !! here is a slideshow of the photos from the C2C enjoy!

WE DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-07-04T03:27:00.000-07:00

We finished the COAST TO COAST WALK on Saturday at Robin Hoods Bay. It has been amazing. The weather has made the trip and i feel like we have got away with it, like we skipped across the country, all 200 miles of it. The aim was to blog along the way but you can be in the middle of nowhere and just can't get a signal. I will blog some more about the trip, say lots of thanks and all that stuff later. But, yep, we did it. COAST TO COAST WALK. 3 of us. 200 miles. 8 schools. 90 hours of walking. Over £1000 for charity.

DONE.

COAST 2 COAST - DAY ONE

2011-06-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

Day One: Monday 20th June - St Bees - on a beatiful day, the sun smiling in the sky. BTW Mr Bean (aka Rowan Atkinson) used to attend St Bees School! Had breakfast - thanks to Mr Sewell for sorting this out for us. I did my poetry thing and about 25 young people walked with us to the beach (us being me, Andy aka Poncho Sprockett and Keith aka Bomber Bennett). They waved us off in style and we set off...

After 14 miles we arrived in Ennerdale Bridge. A massive thanks to Dr Ayling for his fantastic hospitality. Bedtime, reading to wake up refreshed to do it all over again!!!

5000 Hits

2011-06-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

Just looked at a film of me on You Tube and it has had over 5000 hits!!!! That is fantastic. Big thank you to everyone who has looked at it -its me on the library bus up in Sunderland - and a extra big thanks to TONY WILSON for making the film in the first place. TA muchly!!!!

Games Gone By

2011-06-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

Just finished the last of my 4 sessions with a group of nutters, oops, lovely young people at St Johns and St Marks Primary in Bury. I have been going in there and getting them into writing about the olden days and the stuff that people used to do for fun. The teacher was called Miss Brokenbrow, which is the name of the week for me!!! She used to be a ballet dancer and showed us some moves!!! You go girl!!I am actually writing this blog wearing my tutu, tights and little shoes!!! We had a laugh and wrote some new poems and bits and bobs. Big thanks to everybody there, hello to Jake the snake!! and to Baha, Imman the crazy cricket kid, Alia the super assistant, Zeynab from Spec savers, Zeynab the neat writer, Sean O, Amir, Sophie, Hannah, James and the Moon boy!! and to everyone else not forgetting Mrs Iqbal and Mrs C Shaw!!! You lot ROCK!!!

The Future Is Here Now!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-14T01:50:00.000-07:00

Its countdown time!! Here's the thing.... about 6 months ago i thought it would be a supadupa mini cooper, idea to take two weeks off and walk 200 miles across England from the irish Sea to the North Sea. Yes i said to myself, that's a grand thing to do, a great thing, i know I'll do it in June sometime, its miles away!!! Well..., its June now. Holy Moly!!!That's the thing with making future plans, time ticks away and before you know it WOW its here!!!

THE FUTURE IS HERE NOW!!!

I am going with two other blokes. One is Andy aka Sprocket, who is an old mate and in charge of bells, flags, whistles and faders. And the other is Bomber Bennett, an ex soldier, (left right left right left right) who is charge of route, maps and provisions. I have been getting all my gear together - blister plasters, boots, rucksack, tent, maps, trombone etc and the other stuff. I am performing in schools along the route, 9 schools have said OK so all in all ins going to be a bit mad. I will be blogging my way across and writing about the walk.
keeping fingers crossed for decent weather!!!!

Yeah man!! bring it on!!!!

Training

2011-06-03T01:52:00.000-07:00

I am walking 200 miles across England in a couple of weeks , on the famous Coast To Coast path. I thought i'd better get some training in so i have off walking for a couple of days. First i wnet upto Blencathra, a big hill in the lake district. I wanted to walk over a place called Sharp Edge but the wind was so strong and the fog was thick so i gave it a miss. Had a great walk though, Blencathra is a fantastic place go and get away from the world!!! On the second day i wnet on one of my favourite walks from Ilkey to Bolton Abbey and back. Its about 12 miles and it was awesome. The sun was shining and the scenery was amazing. I went with Captain Andrew Amos, an old mate of mine who is coming on the Coast To Coast. Got a couple of blisters but all worth it!!

My Bum Is Blue

2011-05-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

I was driving to Marsden primary school today, doing some more school visits for the StreetSpeak Playing for Success project. I went across the moors from Hebden Bridge to Nelson and man o man was it dramatic!!! There was a low mist up on the tops and when i drove into it it felt like driving into Jurassic park. IT DID!! it must be spooky at night!!! Pitch black!!!If a T-Rex had appeared out of the mist i would have waved hello and said ' Good Morning Mr Rex, did you send your mate a text??'. I saw rain and wind and more rain. I saw little twisty turny roads with big sheer drops down the edge. I saw Eesaw sitting on a seesaw. I saw loads of rabbits and rooks and crows trying to fly in the wind. I thought i was going the wrong way but it was awesome i kept going and eventually i found the school. Doing the job that i do and travelling all over the place means that i get to see places that i might have not have seen if was a postman or something. Anyway, i got to school and we ended up writing a poems called My Bum Is Blue!!! Just the way to end a brilliant and dramatic trip!!!

Dancing On The Moor

2011-05-10T11:53:00.000-07:00

I had a great day the other day. I was working on a great project that i've been involved in called Streetspeak. It started at the National Football Museum a couple of years ago and it involves me and some other writers going around schools and talking to young people about writing, poetry and all that stuff. Anyway.. i waa doing some follow ups in schools in Burnley. It was an amazing day and i thought that i would set off early and go the scenic route. So i got up at daft o'clock and started out. I drove to Colne over in Lancashire. I drove over teh moors and it was awesome. I stopped by a reservoir for a minute and just looked around. The sky was clear and the birds were singing and i felt like dancing. So i did. I did a quick jig on the moor. Tahst how to start the day. I recommend it!! I got some strange looks off passing drivers but like i always say, dance like no-ones looking and you'll be OK!!

May all your skies be blue and keep dancing!!!!!!!!

Le Artiste

2011-05-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was in the Scarborough Evening News the other day, they came along and snapped me while i was doing a gig in the library at Hunmanby near Scarborough. It was part of the Scarborough Literature Festival. The write up or the words about the picture ( it was a good pic by the way, big hello to Ellen and Joe!! ) were good cos they called me a self styled, multi talented performance artiste!!
I've been called many things before but never that. I remember when i used to be a comedian ( i gave up cos everyone used to laugh at me!!) i once got called the Master Of Mirth, which was funny. Lots of teachers introduce me in schools as That Poetry Bloke which is great. I think they also use that if they forget my name which is cool. I once got to a school and got called Geoff Barker. Nothing wrong with that. Geoff Barker is a good name its just not my name!! Good name for a 1950s centre forward for West Ham. Among the other things i've been called are 'Prize winning writer' (true), 'Ex Grave digger', ( true) and Bruce Willis ( not true ).Being a performance artiste is cool though, i'm more than happy with that!! Its all a bit French sounding which is ace. And if i am gonna be french lets do it...."Les Grandes Pensees viennent du coeur....

Le Homme Poetic!!!!

Back Into It

2011-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have had two weeks on not doing much but now its time to get back into doing stuff!!! I haven't been sat down all day eating Kitkats ( i wish) but I've been doing bit and bobs. I was in a school in Stoke and i took my family and from there we went to Chester, had a look at the town - its ace, full of old Romans - and then we went to the zoo. I up really close to monkey, WOW, it was amazing!!! Then we went to Liverpool and saw the Iron men on Crosby beach. I love stuff like that. There are 100 life size men made from Iron just standing there looking at the sea. Its all a bit weird and wonderfull and kinda scary for some reason. Then we had a look around Liverpool and the Albert Docks. Great stuff and all the time the sun was shining and shining, makes all the difference. So its been a great holiday - Chester and Liverpool!! But i'm looking forward to getting back into schools reading my poems out and having a laff!! Bring it on....

Work-O-Rama

2011-04-14T02:17:00.000-07:00

Its been mad city here at my house for a while. March is always really busy with school visits and its been pretty much non-stop since the last week of Feb but now i have 2 weeks off to put my feet up or maybe go mad and paint the shed!! Over the last few weeks i've been in schools all over the country including Liverpool, Chorley, Derby, Newcastle, Norton, Halifax, Harrogate, Blackpool, Maccelsfield, Ripon, Leeds, Hull, Scarborough, Doncaster, Rochdale, Gateshead and Belgium!!! I must have travelled 1000s of miles and i reckon i have done about 115 one hour performances!! Thats a lot of poems innit!! I have worked out that i have spoke to over 3000 people. In that time I have eaten 13 Twix Bars, 9 KitKats, 6 packets of Hobnobs and probably around 40 bags of crisps!!

Now i am going to go for lots of walks, read, build a summer house in my garden, lay a patio, go to the seaside, watch old black and white films, bake a date and walnut cake and er..eat it!!

Happy Holidaze!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Brussels!!!!!!!!!

2011-04-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

I am sat in the International School of Brussels in Belgium. I am in the library between workshops. I have been here for a couple of days, writing and performing poems in the schools theatre!!! Yeah man!! How cool is that!!! The school is massive and has its won tennis bubble (what???). The people are friendly and speak a million languages. I've never been here before and Brussels is an amazing place full of old buildings and mysterious looking people who look like they;re in old spy films!! I like the place a lot!! I came on the Euro Star which is a train that goes under the sea, like some kind of sci-fi movie. It was cool as custard. Yeah man!!!!!!!

Sun, Sea and Scarborough

2011-03-24T02:38:00.000-07:00

I have just got back from three great days by the sea. First i was in Keyingham, which is by Withernsea by the sea and then i went to Scarborough, to Overdale Primary school. I stayed over in a B and B and got up really early because the sun was shining and i wanted to walk on the beach. It was fantastic. If only the sun shone a bit more!!! I was just listening to the waves and i got into the the rhythm of it all and i wrote....I hear the waves upon the shore, i hear this sound and nothing more, just the waves ebb and flo, in they come and out they go....which sounds like a poem written by a bloke with a big beard about 100 years ago!!! But on Scarborough beach i wrote this one...well i didn't write it, it just sort of popped up in my head....

I saw a man
a bloke like me
and he was talking
to the sea

He was standing there
having a chat
talking about this
talking about that

He looked serious
he wasn't playing
i wondered what
the waves were saying

I thought it was strange
a little bit weird
but when i looked again
he'd disappeared.....

On scabby beach i saw this bloke going out in a little tatty old fishing boat. I watched as he got further and further away on the sea until he was just a little teenyweeny dot on the horizon. I thought wow, imagine doing that everyday. All out there on the sea all on your own. I mean all i do for a living is read poems out in schools. This guy gets on his boat and takes his life in his hands and he does it everyday. But maybe being a poet is a bit like being a fisherman. We both try and catch things like fish and ideas and we both wait for a good thing to turn up. He works with the waves i work with the words. Hey c'mon lets ride this wordwave together!!!!

Headstands Down The Loo

2011-03-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

I was in a staffroom in a school the other day, trying to nick a Kitkat and i saw a book on disgusting things. I looked in it and i learnt that a slugs bum is behind its head!!! Behind its head!! Holy malonie!! Imagine if we were built like that, i mean how would you use the toilet?? You'd have to do headstands down the loo??

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!!!!!! Hello by the way to any slugs who are reading this!!!

WORLD BOOK DAY 2011

2011-03-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today was World Book Day which is like Pancake Day but without the pancakes and the syrup, maybe we should sprinkle sugar over books, see if it sweetens them up a bit!! Books for breakfast anyone??? I was in a great school in the middle of nowhere in Langton up in North Yorks. It is by an old ruined church called Kirkham Priory which is by a river. it was a lovely place so i stopped and had a cheese butty. Butty me up big!! The school was great fun. There are only 86 people who go to this school - lots of the girls wanted to be horse riders when they finish school- and i think i talked to every single one of them. It was doozy. Yesterday i was in another brilliant school called The Gleddings Prep school in Halifax, where i grew up. Its always wicked going back to my old home town. THANKYOU everyone for a supa dupa day!! I hope you all had a great World Book Day and that you keep on reading and enjoying books!! READ ON BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!!!

By the way, my son Ben won a prize for the Best Dressed Book Character at his school. He went as Robinson Crusoe, with a torn shirt and a toy knife tucked into his belt and everything!! Well done Benny Boy!!!

Live at I.A.M KS3 Chorley Intervention

2011-02-15T01:49:00.000-08:00

I am in Chorley in Southlands High School. I'm sat in a room with Jamie the Pieman, Speedy Luke, Paul, Dillon and Connor. They are doing some ryhme time stuff and its all a bit quiet!! They are also doing some riddles like my first is in window but not in fish, y'know the kind of thing. Hi im connor and im sat in a room with a stranger who can rhyme!! See ya later!!!! yo yo yo its da pie man i LOVE PIE and i neva stop saying it and it waz ma b day yesterday and i had a beast tea it was a MASSIVE fat pie yh man if i was da whole world was full of pies i would neva leave that world eva eva eva eva again brap. hi iam luke and i support blackburn rovers they're the best team in the world and i am doing shadows with craig bradly thanks craig for the last few weeks thank again chaww. Names paul and i go to Holycross my hobbys is playing Football,Tennis,Table Tennis and Basketball I like repping the Xbox 360 :D and i think That Poetry Bloke is a funny guy!.hi im dillon and i love doing poetry with craig and i love playing on black opss on ps3 and aperently goucho is the funnyest person in the world and i go to albany science college and craig is funny yeah mann !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi,Debra Skeoch here, fun times with Craig and cohort 10 of I.A.M PROGRAMME over the last 3 weeks. Rhyming, rapping, jokes and tricks. A good time had by all. Well done Craig, you kept them entertained!! Hi, my names Lauren Herbert, Craig is just playing the guitar and the children are making up a song about their first memories! they're all really enjoying it, Craig is fantastic!

four thousand and seventeen

2011-02-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

Yowzer!!!! My good mate Tony The Banjo Wilson did a brilliant short film of me reading some poems out on the library bus at the Sunderland friendship Festival 2 years ago. Its on YOU TUBE and it has got an amazing 4017 hits!! Over FOUR THOUSAND people have watched me and i want to say YOWZER to everyone of them BOOYAHHH!!! Its all a bit good innit!! Yeah Man!!! I used to go and watch Halifax Town a lot and they used to get about 4000 people in the ground so i know what that mnay people look like!!! Its not a lot like a million but its still a lot, if you know what i mean, its a lot to watch a bloke reading poems out on a bus anyway!!!! Lets go for FIVE THOU!!!

Lost In London

2011-02-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting week last week. I was in Chorley on Tuesday morning with the I AM People, a project at Southlands High school and then i nipped across town to Shaftesbury short stay school, where we talked about Romeo and Juliet and trousers!! Then on Thursday i went all the way down to Essex to Thurock Primary school ( the sme school where Russell Brand used to go) to read my poems out. It was a good day cos we did some writing then mums and dads came in the afternoon, about 50 of them, to hear the poems we had written that day. Brand new poems they were, still in the wrapper!!I stayed at my mates Denis Bonds house. Denis is a writer like me and lives in Sidcup. I got lost on the tube trains ( aaarrrggghh!!!! way too many people) and went to Kings Cross train station for a train back up to Huddersfield. But a bloke with a long face told me that there were no trains at all because of a problem on the line!! I waited for 2 hours and finally got home at 11pm!! I was glad to see Huddersfield!!! Then on Saturday i was in Kirkby library, near Liverpool doing a song writing workshop with the One Voice Project. A great week, visiting some different places and doing some different things!! I have another good week this week, then its half term and then the madness begins!!! Loads and loads of schools all the way from the last week in Feb to the first week in April where i finish off in Belgium!! Holy Moly!!!!! Better go to bed!!!

Seven Goal Thriller In The Wigan Rain

2011-02-06T02:29:00.000-08:00

Its Saturday, its raining, you have a day off, so what do you do?? I know, you go to Wigan!! yep, thats what i did. My mate the poet Ian Bland is Poet In Residence at Wigan Football Club and got some free tickets. I have never been to a Premier League match before so it was good to see one in the flesh! Wigan played Blackburn and beat them 4-3. A seven goal thriller it was. Blimy O Riley!!On the train on the way back my specs broke and i had to walk back with one eye kind so closed and probably looked like some mad bloke in the rain!!! All in all an eventfull day in the Wigan rain!!

Nose Like A Strawberry

2011-01-28T03:39:00.000-08:00

I have just done 2 days in Overdale Primary school in Kirkby Liverpool. It was great fun and a really friendly school, with good dinners (Thank you the dinner ladies!) and groovy people. BUT.....i had a massive spot on my nose that made me look like an evil clown who has just escaped from a circus!! I was reading my poems out in front of everyone and i could tell that they were looking at my nose and not listening. They were sat there thinking, Is that one of those joke noses that you can buy, you know that kind that come off when you take your glasses off!! One lad asked why my nose looked like a strawberry.
Nice simile!! Poetry term!!!
No idea why my nose turned into a strawberry but it did. Could have been worse i suppose, coulda been a cabbage or a melon or somefink!! Its got a bit better now but blimey, it was unreal!! I'm too old for spots but maybe i just have very young skin!!!!!!! Strawberry Nose, thats me.

Radio Magic

2011-01-21T03:48:00.000-08:00

I was on the radio today, on the Alex belfield show. We were talking about Man Flu. And heres the thing.. i am on the radio quite a lot, and you talk about anything. I mean, what do i know about man flu? Its kind of weird being on the radio but i love it. You are in this little room, talking into a microphone, just waffling on about this and that, and you kind of forget that there are thousands of people listening to you. People out there in radio land, people doing normal people stuff like the washing up, drinking tea and reading the papers. And you are talking to them. Your voice is on the radio waves, the invisible radio waves that somehow get you to speak to people in their own front room. Magic innit!!

The Poems That Wrote Themselves Part 2

2011-01-13T03:29:00.000-08:00

Picnic In The Rain

Remember that picnic we had in he rain
in that big park just down the lane
when the wind went wild like a hurricane
and your crisps got washed down the drain
and the cake got wet but we didn't complain?

Remember we were there with Ben and Wayne
and Jack and Rose and her mate Jane
who wrapped her butties in cellophane
then went and left them on the train
oh, she's such a scatterbrain

Remember we pretended to drink champagne
like we were flying somewhere on a plane
maybe to a sunny beach in Spain
and the raindrops dripped and drove us insane
in that big park just down the lane

Do you remember that picnic we had in the rain?

The Poems That Wrote Themselves Part 1

2011-01-13T03:22:00.000-08:00

These two poems kind of wrote themselves. Really!! I just sat there looking at a piece of paper and before i knew it, SHAZZAM!!!!!!, there they were right in front of me. I love when that happens. Its like being plugged into a big poetry machine somewhere. I think the trick to writing poems is not to try too hard.

Cool Blue Bike

I'd really like
a cool blue bike
but if it was red
I'd ride that instead
if it was white
that would be alright
if it was black
I'd call it Jack
if it was green
I'd call it Maureen
if it was yella
I'd call it Cinderella
if it was brown
I'd ride it round the town
if it was gold
I'd do what i was told
if it was grey
I'd be OK
if it was pink
i don't know what I'd think
cos what I'd really like
is a cool blue bike

Jupiter and Pianos and Magic

2011-01-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

What i really want to do is to learn more about the stars and magic and the piano. I know a little bit about stargazing, i know a little bit about magic and i know a little bit about the playing the piano but life isn't about little bits is it?? Its about doing the whole thing brothers and sisters!! Do you want a little bit of ice cream? NO Do you want a little bit of pizza? NO WAY!!!! So I'm going to learn more about all those things. I just hope i don't get them all mixed up and start piano gazing and playing the stars. Actually playing the stars sounds kinda alright to me!!! 3,2,1 we have lift off!!!

Its January and if you look out of your window facing south you can see Jupiter. Its a big bright light and its a planet and its amazing!! If you look North you can see a piano in the sky and then some guy doing magic tricks...amazing!!!

Am I The Nutter On The Bus?

2011-01-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

Last year i did 87 blogs. i like doing them even though i have no idea who, if anyone reads them. I do get the odd comment when i go into schools, like someone says, hey dude, i read this or that on your blog and it was good. So i keep doing them. Its all a bit weird really. I mean i sit here in my imagination station and type what ever it is that pops up in my head and put it out there in blogland. I could be writing a poem or doing a handstand or even practising my silly walks but no. I'll keep doing this blog for another year and see what happens. If nobody is reading its a bit like talking to yourself like a nutter on the bus or something. Maybe that's what i am, that weird nutter on the bus who mumbles to himself and starts laughing for no reason. If any one is out there reading this then send me a comment. DO IT NOW!!!! I don't want to end up on a bus on my own, having a convo with myself.

Two Thousand And Eleven

2011-01-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

The future is here now!!
When i was a kid i thought that by the year 2011 we would all be wearing silver space suits and flying around on hover boards. I thought that we would eat pills that taste of fish and chips for dinner and all of us would have time machines. I thought that the aliens and us would be best mates and that we would go on holidays to Mars and places like that.
But no.
No hover boards or silver space suits or any of that stuff. Still its good though innit? Two Thousand And Eleven. Amazing or what??? Its the future and its cool. Hope everyone has a cool year, even if you don't have a time machine!

The Twelve Blogs Of Christmas 3

2010-12-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

Have You Heard The Moon?

Have you heard the moon?
Have you heard it sigh
as it sits collecting moondust
on its moon shelf in the sky

Have you heard the Sun?
Have you heard it sing?
as it shines the air with promises
of what the day may bring

Have you heard the wind?
Have you heard it moan?
its wicked wind chill factor
will chill you to the bone

Have you heard the rain?
Have you heard it cry?
sobbing its broken heart out
as its tears fill the sky

Have you heard the sea?
Have you heard it roar?
as it rolls and swells and slowly
waves goodbye toward the shore

The Twelve Blogs Of Christmas - 2

2010-12-22T06:19:00.000-08:00

Did you see the moon yesterday? There was a complete lunar eclipse. It started at around half six in the morning and went on for around an hour. I was out in the big field behind my house watching it. It was ten below freezing but worth it. The last time there was a lunar eclipse on the shortest day of the year was 400 years ago. They all said that the moon went a kind of copper red. It sounds like it was a bit embarrassed by it all. Well, I'm not great with colours but it did go weird. Because of the way it happened you could really see that the moon was a ball and not just a disc like a big old dinner plate up in the sky. It was well cosmic!!

The Twelve Blogs Of Chrimbo

2010-12-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have finished work for the Chrimbo breakorama!!!!!!!! The snow is still here -it looks a bit comfy if you ask me - and its getting a lot like Christmas in our house. here is my TOP TEN CHRIMBO things that i have done recently.....
1. Went to see Christmas Carol at the pictures. It was great, a bit scary at first but i loved it.
2. Watched The Polar Express. Cos its ace and you know it!!
3. Went out in Manchester with all my mates from the STREETSPEAK poetry project. It was a laugh. Terry Caffrey was on nine quid cocktails - Go on Tel!!- and Andy Winters did some amazing magic tricks!!
4. Fed the birds in our back garden - remember to feed the birds in your back garden.
5. Watched about 20 cowboy films. Now thats livin!!
6. Ate a big bowl of nuts and raisins.
7. Went shopping.
8. Had a big serious man to man conversation with my Dad about turkey, beef and pork.
9. Wrote some good poems and some dodgy ones.
10. Got a CD with traditional Christmas carols on cos they remind me of me Grandma singing in the kitchen.

Bath Time In The Back Garden

2010-12-10T11:53:00.000-08:00

The snow looks like its on its way out. Hippeedoodle!! In my back garden this morning there was a big puddle, or a dead snowman if you like, and there were loads of birds having a bath in it. They looked like they were having a good time. They were all chirping and chatting or chirting and chapping, to a big magpie (like a baby penguin) came and stood and watched them like a lifeguard or something. He had a little whistle around his neck. Then, when all the other birds had finished and flew off back to work the magpie got in for a bath. Imagine having a bath in a muddy freezing cold puddle in the back garden. I remember bath nights when i was kid. Every Sunday night my dad would run a bath and get in, then, when he'd done, mum would get in and then my big sister, then my big brother then my other sister and then, finally me!! By the time i got in the bath it was cold and scummy!! I'd moan a bit but I'd come downstairs after and watch The Planet Of The Apes and everything was great!!!

I Wanna Be A Chuckle Brother

2010-12-08T02:12:00.000-08:00

I wanna be a Chuckle Brother
that's what i wanna be
i know there's only 2 of 'em
but i could make it 3

I wanna be a Chuckle Brother
with Barry, Paul and me
I wanna mess about and have a laugh
and do it on TV

I wanna be a Chuckle Brother
everybody does
why don't you be a Chuckle Brother
and be like one of us

And don't worry if you're a girl
a Miss and not a Mister
just chuck away the brother bit
and be a Chuckle Sister!!

Sixteen Below Zero

2010-12-06T03:06:00.000-08:00

Today, when i was driving around to Nowwhere, the temp gauge in my car went as low as 16 below. That's minus 16. That is colder than a fridge and about as cold as a Butchers freezer! I was like a frozen lamp chop i was!!!

The Frozen Pipes Of Poetry

2010-12-06T02:58:00.000-08:00

Today i got up at 5.30am and spent 20 minutes scraping the ice off the car windscreen, inside as well as outside!! The temp was nine below freezing. I drove on the M62, A1 and A64 to a place called Escrick just outside York. The windscreen kept freezing up but you can't really stop on the motorway so i had to keep going. It took me about 2 hours to get there. When i got there the school was shut because of the frozen pipes!!! AAAARRRGGGHH!!! They couldn't even make me a cuppa!! Up at 5.30 in the dark and 100 miles of driving on a horrible dark frozen motorway for nothing!!!! What can you do? Well, what i did is turn around and drive back. On the way back the sun came out and the windscreen was hardly see-through-able!! I'm telling you, i was glad to get home. Snow and ice and nice if you don't have to go out and drive in them. I'm sticking to the settee to day!!! Get the kettle on will yer. Hobnobs please!!!!

How To Be A Snowflake

2010-12-03T03:40:00.000-08:00

Flutter snowfully in the breeze
with your frosty flurry of friends

then fall like wishes on roofs and trees
that's where your journey ends

It OK to be a ball or a man
but remember never to speak

try to remain as pure as you can
and always be unique

Beware of snowploughs and of cars
they'll turn you to slush instead

remember to sparkle like the stars
when all the worlds in bed

Paint the sky with glitter
dance in the sliverblue

the winter air is bitter
with the cool surprise of you

That's how to be a snowflake
remember how it felt

then when you want to go flake
allow yourself to melt....

What Do You Know About Snow?

2010-12-03T03:30:00.000-08:00

What is this white stuff we call snow?
Where does it come from and where does it go?
It freezes things up and stops the show
What do you know about snow?

How come it falls in a flake and not in a drop?
Is it made by a bloke in the Old Snow Shop?
Who knows when it'll start and when it'll stop?
What do yo know about snow?

What is this stuff that makes your nose go red
that makes old people stay in bed
and makes the weatherman scratch his head
What do you know about snow?

It makes you shiver, makes you freeze
and if it makes you look daft when its up to your knees
how come it looks great on Christmas trees?
What do you know about snow?

Bouncy Snowmen.

2010-12-01T04:54:00.000-08:00

Its snowing like mad here. When i was a kiddy wink we used to sing about the snow like we'd go, snow snow go away, come back again on washing day!! Oh, hang on a mo, i think that's wrong, i think it was rain we used to go on about. Well i like rain and i like snow but which ones best? Only one way to find out FIGHT!!!!!

People have snowball fights but nobody has a rain fight do they? I mean they should. Poor rain, it feels all left out. Rain is like the bad cop and snow is the good cop. Poor little rain drop!! You can sledge in the snow and make snowmen and all that but you can't sledge in the rain can you? And you can't make a rain man. I AM THE RAIN MAN. I knew a rain man once, yeah, he was a right drip. BUM BUM. But i like all the rain words like drizzle, storm, pour and when it rains you say things like its bouncing down. Snow can't bounce can it? Imagine that, bouncy snow? The snow would hit the pavement and then bounce back up into the sky. We'd get bouncy snowmen!! Now that would be cool, that be really cool, freezing in fact!!
Yeah man.

Jack Dawsons Big Idea

2010-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've just had some great news. I wrote a book a couple of years ago, not a poetry book, but a book book y'know called Jack Dawsons Big Idea and i have finally found a publisher for it. The publisher is called Tonto Books who are based up in Newcastle. The boss is a bloke called Big Stu or Little Stu if he is standing far away and he wants me to write not one, not two but three books in the same series starring Jack Dawson. The first book will be out next March followed by the second one in October. I'm dead chuffed with it all. The fact that some one wants to spend money on getting your own book out there is an amazing feeling really. it looks like I'm going to be busy. I'd better get scribbling away....

Diary Of A Whitby Kid

2010-11-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

I went to the pictures the other day to see Diary Of A Wimpy Kid. I thought it was great, very funny. My sons have the books and i'd seen them lying around the place but i've never picked them up and read them.
I will now.
One of the characters is called Fregley and he looks like i used to look when i was a kid. AARGGHH!! In fact he looks a lot like i used to look. He's a bit smaller than i was but he had the ginger, curly hair, the glasses and all the rest of it. What a geezer he was. Fregley played like the goofy kid uncool kid that everybody takes the micky out of but i liked him a lot. Well i would do wouldn't i?
I like the title of the film as well. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid, it sounds good and titles are important. I could write a book called Diary Of A Whitby Kid about this soft lad who goes to the East coast of Yorkshire for his holly jolly days.
Maybe not eh???

What Is A Bloke?

2010-11-21T05:13:00.000-08:00

I've had some comments from the Cyber people in the USA. All Star wanted to know what a bloke was!!!!!! A bloke is a guy, a geezer, a chap, a man!! I suppose its a slang word. That Poetry Bloke!! That's me brothers and sistras!! and ta for all the great awesome like comments. Ta by the way means thanks before you ask. Keep smiling!!

Cyber School USA

2010-11-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

WOW!! WOW and WOW again!!

Today i did something that I've never done before. No i didn't wrestle an invisible camel or dance with a gaint man eating duck or eat a whole pizza in less than one minute. I spoke, via the wonder of the web, to a cyber school in Pennsylvania USA. The pupils, about 30 of them, could hear me talking from Huddersfield in England, as they sat in their rooms in America, 3000 miles away or something like that.
Amazing really innit?

We talked about sausages, ice cream and fish and chips as well as writing poetry and all that kind of stuff. It was ace to think we were talking across the ocean. Its something i have never done before and i really enjoyed it. A big THANK YOU to Deanna for setting all this up and to everyone who asked me great questions, oh and Elissa, i don't know the Queen but if i ever meet her I'll say hello for you!!! Cyber school rocks!!!!

Toxteth Tale Of Trousers

2010-11-13T06:38:00.000-08:00

I'm in Toxteth library with Georgia, Chai, Darcy, Susan, Denise and Trisha. We have been talking about trousers and accents and pants and all that type of stuff. It was all part of something called Evolving English, which is a BIG BRITISH LIBRARY thing about collecting peoples voices. We talked about pants, undercrackers, kecks and different words for different stuff. It was really good or sick and awesome and boss. See ya la!!!

Song After Song After Song

2010-11-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today i was a human radio!! I was in a school in Bradford called St Edmunds Nursery School, speaking to young people aged 2-4. I normally work with pupils ages 5-11 so this was a bit different. i have been into this school before but it was still different!! They wanted me to play the guitar and sing silly songs all day, so that's what i did. I did 11 sessions through the day and must have wrote and played about 6 or 7 brand new songs that we made up in class!! It was ace. We wrote songs about Ben 10, the classroom and we wrote songs about each other. And then we sang and danced to them!! Yeehah!!!A BIG thanks and well done to everyone for a funny, creative, daft, day that was full of sparkle, madness, noise and ideas.

Now i just need to lie down in a dark room somewhere....

I Heard The Rain Sing On Bonfire Night

2010-11-05T03:40:00.000-07:00

When it rained on Bonfire night
i could have run and hid
instead i stood out in the rain
and this is what i did...

I listened to the raindrops
singing like a choir
falling out of a darkening sky
and sizzling in the fire

Bellybutton

2010-11-05T03:36:00.000-07:00

What are bellybuttons
supposed to do
its just a little hole
in the middle of you

They
don't help to keep
your pants up
or fasten up your sweater

what about a belly zip?
yeah, thats better

Bionic Brian

2010-11-05T03:32:00.000-07:00

Bionic Brian

Bionic Brian
is made of iron
there's nothing that he fears

But he complains
when it rains
cos sparks fly out of his ears!!

Firewood and Mushy Peas

2010-11-03T05:51:00.000-07:00

Its Plot Night this weekend or Bonfire night whatever you call it. I have actually seen the school that Guy Fawkes used to go to, its St Johns in York - one of the oldest schools in the country - and they don't do Bonfire night cos they don't burn old pupils!!! Anyway... i went to the woods today to get some wood for the bonfire that we have in the back garden. The woods is a great place. Its full of shadows and dark corners and it has a great musty, damp, earthy smell of fallen leaves and wet muck. Its great being in the woods during the day, its empty and kind of a bit scary but still good!!! I AM THE WOOD MAN!!! I got two big bags full of wood, then came home and started making the mushy peas. My Mum used to make these mushy peas that were like little green diamonds of taste and delight!!! Mum used to put some meat in there as well. The best ever!! The secret with mushy peas is to soak them for about twenty years, that makes them go all soft, squidgy and, er...mushy. (Great word Squidgy innit!! It wins the Word Of The Day Award) Can you believe that some people actually don't like mushy peas. I mean what is wrong with them!!! I have to go now cos i have to go to a dead serious place called Huddersfield University and talk to dead serious people about dead serious stuff. Maybe I'll just talk to them about mushy peas.

Monkey On A Motorbike

2010-11-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

I saw a monkey on a motorbike
whizzing down our street
he had big leather boots
on his little monkey feet

He had a little leather jacket on
all shiny, black and red
and a little monkey helmet
on his little monkey head

He did wheelies and tricks
and jumped off a ramp
he flew through the air
like a monkeybike champ

Then he rode off
and waved at me
the worlds greatest daredevil
chimpanzee

A Viking On The Toilet

2010-10-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

Had a great weird and wonderful day today. We went to York on a day trip -had a full mash BIG Breakfast and then a boat ride up the river. We finished the day off with a look around the Jorvik museum. It was a great smelly place - real old smells from ages ago - then we had a little ride around a real life size model Viking village, it was dark and a bit scary- there were vikings doing alsorts of stuff including one on the loo!!!Complete with sound effects!!! WOW. I'll never forget it, i mean its not everyday you see a viking on the toilet is it?? Hang on, I've had an idea ...Viking On The Toilet, sounds like a cracking poem to me.....watch this space!!!

Planting The Electric Tree

2010-10-27T04:44:00.000-07:00

I have a free day today. Everybody else has gone out. There is just me in the house on my Jack Jones. The thing is , when you are a writer, you never really have a day off ( some would say that it's the other way round and that you never go to work in a proper job!!) because you are always thinking about stuff and going over ideas. I mean right now i am writing this blogola so....anyway. Here are TEN things i did on THE BIG DAY OFF

1. Tried to write a poem called The Queue Cumber. I came up with the title but thats it!!
2. Had a quick tidy up in the Imagination Station. You can see the carpet again.
3. Planted some tulip bulbs for next spring. I didn't plant electric bulbs cos that would be daft, although growing an electric tree sounds kinda cool...
4. Had a cheese and tomato butty.
5. Had another cheese and tomato butty.
6. Thought about that Queue Cumber again, stll didn't finish it.
7. Thought about doing something. Didn't get around to it.
8. Planted an electric tree.
9. Waited for it to grow.
10. Had an idea - next time i will plant a micro-wave tree cos they grow quicker.

Half Termtastic

2010-10-27T04:26:00.000-07:00

Half term is always interesting for me. I visit loads of schools so when schools are on holiday i have to go somewhere else. So far this half term i have been to 3 great places. Number one was Tatton Park in Chesire. North West libraries were holding a Family Book Day and alsorts of writers, storytellers and illustrators were coming along to talk to people. Two hundred people turned up on the day. I was in a big hall waffling on as usual but the thing is, the hall had a secret. ( Cue scary laugh and thunder crack sound effect!). On the walls were 100's of animal heads hidden behind a curtain. I am not talking cuddly toys here. I'm talking real animals that had been shot and stuffed!!! It was all a bit scary and weird. There were buffalos, antelopes, tigers and even a massive moose. They had all been collected by the Lord of the manor in the 1800's and he thought that he'd put them on the wall and let people have a nosey. The crazy Victorians eh??
Place number two was Bewerely Park Outdoor Education Centre, near Harrogate. I did a session there with looked after children which was a hoot!! I even got some chicken sweet and sour!!!The centre is in the middle of nowhere and it was pitch black driving home!!! Scary Mary or what!!!The final place i have been this half term is the Opera House in Buxton. I was doing the Childrens Festival there and it was ace. I LOVE theatres and this one was a beauty. Buxton is a great place so if you haven't been GO NOW. Its in a place called the Peak district and its full of big hills, valleys and er...peaks!! Freaky Peaky Deaky.

Yeah man!!!

Living It Large In Liverpool

2010-10-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

I was doing my thang in Toxteth library, the other day. Toxteth is in Liverpool. I love Liverpool. Its one of my favourite cities!! Its got the Beatles - the best band ever, if you don't know who they are, Google them up now!!! COME ON WILL YER!!!! It has a big river called the Mersey. Everybody in Liverpool is a comedian!! I did a school in Liverpool once, it was Wayne Rooney's school, and I met his Mum, she still works there as a dinner lady. The sessions in Toxteth were great. Trish and Susan, the lovely library ladies, got me a posh butty at dinnertime and after we had done, they took me to a famous Liverpool pub called the Philharmonic. Lots of famous poets go into this pub and one of my faves, Roger McGough goes in. I thought he might be in. He wasn't!! Liverpool was great, in fact. I am going to take my little kiddy winkys over half term.

I have just read this blog to make sure that there are no mistakes in it and i realise i have given you TWO great tips. The Beatles and Roger McGough. Check dem badboys out now!!!!

Where The Mangoes Go

2010-10-19T04:06:00.000-07:00

I saw a man go
here and there
juggling mangoes
through the air

Here and there
high and low
wherever the man goes
the mangoes go

Blue Like Custard

2010-10-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

Why is custard yellow?
That's what i want to know. I went walking on the moors in Marsden today with my old mate Big O. Big O is a nightclub bouncer and boxer. He's also a bit of a poet and thinker, he like quoting Shakespeare a lot. Anyway, the sky was blue and it was a beautiful Autumn day. I mean really beautiful in a crispy clear way. Big O asked me why the sky is blue and i said because it follows the natural laws of colour, the same law of colour that makes custard yellow. Big O nodded like he actually believed me!!! Never listen to poets, they make stuff up y'know!!! But hang on, lets go with it for a minute, what if the sky was yellow like custard and custard was blue. I'd like that, lovely runny and lumpy yellow sunsets and nice sweet blue custard on your apple pie. Blue Like Custard, sounds like a poem....

Little Kid With The Big Sick Bucket

2010-10-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

This poem is all about these people i see sat outside the staffrooms in schools. They are a bit poorly and look a bit green round the gills. I hope they all get better soon!!!

Little Kid With The Big Sick Bucket

You always see one
sometimes two
sat outside the staffroom
not knowing what to do

The little kid
with the ghostly face
they have a big sick bucket
just in case

They might have headache
or a dodgy tum
now they're sat waiting
for their Mum

I always see them
as i walk by
they always look
like they're going to cry

i feel right sad
whenever i see
the little sick kid
with the bucket on his knee

Four Days In Blackpool -The Sequel

2010-10-04T02:37:00.001-07:00

Yeeeeeaaaahhhh. Just done my Blackpool stuff and its been ace, wicked, mint or whatever you call GOOD. When you write books for your job people think that you just sit down eating Hobnobs in a nice room somewhere. Now they may be some writers who do that but not me!! I get all over the place and last week i was in the Las Vegas of the North - Blackpool!!! The tower, the beach, the fish and chip shops, the people in Fleeces on the seafront, the wheelie bins ( i think Blackpool is where all the wheelie bins in the world go for their holidays, i saw millions!!). The schools i went into were great and i had a really great time speaking to young people and sharing ideas. All is good!! The day after Blackpool i was in Kirby, Liverpool, where they all thought i spoke funny!! Hello to everyone i saw in Kirby and well done to all those who got their Summer Reading Challenge certificates!!! Keep reading.

Four Days In Blackpool

2010-09-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

I am halfway through a crazy four days in Blackpool. I am doing something as part of the Wordpool Festival. Its always good to come to Blackpool, i used to come here a lot as a kid on holidays so i have lots of happy memories of the place.I Have been going into schools and its a been a bit MAD!!!The schools have been busy making out that something has happened in school,something like an alien or a strange monster has landed.In Anchorsholme primary there was a big pile of horsepoo in the middle of the playground!! In another school, St Johns, there was an amazing nest ,made out of twigs and stuff and it had a massive egg in the middle of it!! WOW!!!The nest even had a guard!!,one of the teachers had dressed up like the STIG and was standing there like some kind of alien!!!We had to write about it and make up some poems. There were ideas all over the place. Well done all the teachers and well done all the writers. I was inspired!!!More strange beasts to come tomorrow.....

I am doing this blog on a teachers laptop and it has taken me ages cos i keep putting my finger where my finger shouldn't go!!!!

Mr Bloke

2010-09-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

Just finished two loud, crazy, creative and fun days in Abbeydale Primary School in Sheffield. Its a school i have been in a few times before. Going back into a school for a repeat visit is always a bit different. People know what you are going to do!!! Everyone at Abbeydale knew what i was doing, it seems that half of them knew my poems better than me!!! They even requested some of my old poems that i don't do anymore. I got good coffe from the Headteacher ( ta) lessons in Bangra dancing of Sabaa and got told i had a funny face by someone else.!! A BIG BIG thank you for everyone at Abbeydale, especially the girl who kept calling me Mr Bloke!!! I think that she thought my first name was That Poetry!!! Good luck with all that poetry stuff that you are doing.

Its All Going On Brothers and Sisters!!!!!!

2010-09-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a list about some of the things that have bveen happening recently.

1. Did a charity walk with me old mate Ian Bland. we were supposed to do a walk called the dalesway but the sky fell on our heads in a place called Dent It was raining so hard i got blisters as big as balloons and i think i grew webbed feet so we had to give up. We did 30 hilly, wet miles in 2 days, camped and performed in 4 schools along the way to about 200 people and raised about £150 for charity. Even though it was hard and i had sore feet i still loved it!!

2. I finished another book, its a novel called Goodnight Charlie Goodnight. I now have about 4 books written that i don't really know what to do with!!! Might as well start another and make it 5!!!!

3. It was my youngest son Jacks 7th birthday. He got loads of stuff including a Stig cake, Lego and Chelsea shirt that says Drogba on it.

Time for a sit down!!!!!!

All ready for the BIG WALK!!!!!!!

2010-09-08T03:19:00.000-07:00

I am packing my rucksack and getting ready for walking the Dalesway. ( Don't forget the loo roll!)I reckon this walk will take us about 5 days, us being me and my mate Ian Bland. I am kind of excited, scared, nervous and happy all at once!! i hope the weather is kind to us and we don't get flooded out. All the schools on the way -Goodly Dale in Windemere, St Oswalds in Burneside, Grayrigg Primary in Grayrigg ( well it would be wouldn't it!!), Sebergh Primary, Dent Primary and Burnsall have been very friendly and helpful - with offers of cups of tea, dinners and camping spots - so a BIG THANK YOU to them. All that we have to do now is walk 80 miles!!!! Piece of cake. I'll be blogging on the way, letting you know how my blisters are coming on!!! LETS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Donate online through my Just Giving page click on the link: http://www.justgiving.com/thatpoetrybloke

That Poetry Bloke - The Movie!!!

2010-09-04T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have had a great last few days. I went up to South Shields, where my good friend, the incredible Mr Tony Banjo Wilson, filmed me doing all sorts!. I read loads of poems out on camera and walked around and talked about what i do for a living. Then we recorded some songs in Tony's loft studio and generally had a great creative time. Tony is making a film about me and my work and it's below. The weather was great and it looks like we were somewhere hot and sunny!!!

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

Part 4.